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2004-09-03 + 11:24 p.m. (I know I said I was leaving...but it's not like anyone reads this anymore) I've always gone out of my way to protect myself from getting hurt. AS a child, I didn't walk until I was almost 2, I never jumped off steps, ladders, or into the pool...I was always so cautious not to do anything that would get me hurt. I never would take that risk. I used to write and whine in regular intervals about how a someone I once knew wasn't "alive" and didn't let himself "feel", but I think I was really writing about me. You're not alive if you're too afraid to take risks. He was the biggest risk I had ever taken, and it didn't work. And that terrifed me. It's so much easier not to fall if you never fly. But what kind of life is that? A half life at best. A week from Monday, I start my first real job. It's only an internship, but it's for the rest of the year, and it's doing what I got my degree in - Computers. I'm happy about the prospect of a challenge, happy about the professional experience, happy about the money...but I can't help feel that I'm selling my soul short. Sooner or later I'm going to have to take another risk - and stop living the life my parents have mapped out for me. I know they mean well, and I love them for it, but they need to let me go. Music is my life, my love, and I don't think job security is worth during your back on your dream. It will be interesting. I've always been a loner - never fit in any group or clicks, and even my best friends have so many other best friends...there's always the feeling that I need them more than they need me. I'm still insecure in that respect. But I've gotten through being diagnosed with RA, graudating collge, my first real job...all by myself. There was no tall, dark stranger holding my hand though it all. And I think I like that. I think I just might like myself now. |