2003-11-27 + 5:53 p.m.
Sometimes, it amazes me...

Sometimes I am simply blown away by my own stupidity. About a week ago I came to a startling realization - I am a freakin' idiot! All I could then do was laugh at myself for the better part of the next hour. To think, I actually thought I cared for...no, let's be honest, it was worse than that. I actually thought I loved him. Him ! He was nothing to me, absolutely nothing. There was nothing to it. Ever. So what the heck was I upset over? The jury's still out on that one...

I am so amazed by Elanor and Jon's patience with me. To think that at 19, I thought I knew what love was. It's almost as laughable as when I was 17 and thought that I had found "the one". Now, at 21, I know I'm still much too young. I don't even want to think about Marriage until I'm out of graduate school, and I've no need for a relationship now. Men my age (with the few exceptions of my guys Jon, Jesse, and sometimes Michael) are just not worth my time. Even if they were, it's not like I ever get any attention from any men. But maybe it's like Michael said:

Me: who needs men when you can have clothes?
Michael: lol true
Me: I just need to keep telling myself that
Michael: :-)
Me: So I don't feel like such a geeky loser :-)
Michael: lol you aren't
Me: No? I love LOTR, Sci-Fi, I'm a programmer and I'm single...
Michael: lol but your hot:-)
Me: Invisable to guys, though :-)
Me: I am hot, and have a killer wardrobe...
Me: Maybe it's because I'm tall...
Michael: believe me Meredith, your "invisibility" to guys is a defense mechanism. You basically are weeding out the unworthy ones withot even having to do anything
Michael: when the right one comes along he will see you fully
Me: But..I'd at least like to have the opportunity to tell them they're unworthy...

Or, maybe I'm just a loser :) Either way, I'm happy. Sure there are times I'd like someone to cuddle with...but I'm not going to settle for something just because I'm lonely. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.

And after listening to Josh's new CD, in all honestly, I don't think I can ever love anyone else. :)

before + after + current

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